A Leap-Year Tragedy by William Montague Whitney

To spoon when a widow is willing is nice,
If nothing but spooning’s intended;
But the new summer-boarder alarms me—a vice
Is often a virtue suspended.
Her complexion is essence of Midnight and Noon,
And her eyes are as soft as the light o’ the moon;
In a word, she is sweeter than mulberry jam—
But her stockings are cotton—and mended;
I’m certain her stockings are mended.

We walked by the elms till the dinner-bell rang,
And once I began to say “Lily …”
When a little bird hopped on my elbow and sang,
“Beware, it is leap year, you silly!”
She vowed it is monstrous for men to oppose
The impulse of women—the right to propose!
But I thought I detected the fly in the jam,
And the air in the garden was chilly;
I said, “I am sure you are chilly!”

Said she, “Not at all, it is lovely, asthore,
But I fear we are keeping the dinner;
Come out after tea!” … but I fled at the door
And cursed her, as I am a sinner!
Her conduct at breakfast was simply insane.
I frowned and she simpered—her meaning was plain—
But although I’m convinced that the goddess is sham,
I daily grow visibly thinner—
I’m certainly visibly thinner!

The sting of the thing is I’m madly in love
With the landlady’s dear little daughter.
She looks at me shyly, demure as a dove,
And pledges my health in cold water;
She said “I am sure she is perfectly sweet,
Perhaps a bit vain, but so quaintly discreet!”
But she fled like a doe when I muttered “ Oh, Damn.”
So I kissed her five times when I caught her;
On the stairs I was waiting, and caught her.

Now what in the world may a modest man do?
My troubles are full and they’re plenty!
If I stay she will harry me, marry me, too,
If I go who will kiss Sweet-and-Twenty?
’Tis pleasant to flirt with a damsel in spring,
But a lone little widow’s a dangerous thing!
And in spite of the kiss in the garden I am
Determined to wed Sweet-and-Twenty—
I will marry you now, Sweet-and-Twenty!

From: Whitney, W. M., “A Leap-Year Tragedy” in The Bulletin, Volume 30, Number 1542 (2 September 1909), p. 40.
(https://nla.gov.au/nla.obj-638412684/view?partId=nla.obj-638427442#page/n41/mode/1up

Date: 1909

By: William Montague Whitney (1866-1948)

Tags: 1909, a leap-year tragedy, poetry, to spoon when a widow is willing is nice, william montague whitney