Letter to Spammers

As of today (5 January 2016), Akismet (WordPress’s spam filter on blogs) has protected my site from 37,993 spam comments. This leads me to pen the following:

Dear Spammer,

Thank you so much for your interest in my blog. It is truly overwhelming – so overwhelming that my responses are going to have to be addressed to you in bulk as life is too short for me to answer each of you individually:

  1. I have no interest in Viagra. This is a poetry blog – that’s as erotic as I can handle.
  2. Not being male, penis enhancement is not high on my list of priorities in life.
  3. Am I meant to thank you for all those pornographic viewing suggestions? You are, firstly, incorrect in your assumption about my sexual orientation and, secondly, totally and utterly wrong about what rocks my boat – reminder: poetry blog (see point 1).
  4. I am so glad the blog loads rapidly on whatever device you are using. Please stop suggesting that I add features to the blog (videos, music, images) which will totally wipe out its load speed. Besides, have you seen what adding music and images/videos does to poetry? Go look at once great sites (not naming names here) – it’s so sad it may possibly classify as tragic.
  5. So the text runs off the page on your device from time to time – adjust your settings – believe me, there is nothing I can do about it from where I am.
  6. What is this fascination with the platform I’m using? Look at the URL – it says WordPress in the title; look at the bottom of any page – it states the theme (Under the Influence). Did I develop this myself? I did not –this is (again) a poetry blog: my skills are in finding poems not in any sort of IT development.
  7. I would be more flattered about your opinions on my writing ability if you had read the blog and therefore realised I’m not the author of any of these poems.
  8. Do I have any suggestions for how you can improve your writing skills? Of course not – see above.
  9. What do you mean – how do you subscribe? Are you sure you have actually looked at this blog?
  10. I am happy you found this blog on Google/Yahoo/Bing/whatever – really, I am – and it’s nice you’re adding it to your RSS feed. Thank you for telling me.
  11. Thank you for your SEO suggestions. When hell freezes over, I may actually find out what SEO is then investigate your suggestions.
  12. What language is that page long comment? It looks like Mayan glyphs or possibly Egyptian hieroglyphs.
  13. Please don’t try to use my blog to send coded messages to your lizard overlords – it makes me nervous.
  14. Stop trying to advertise here.
  15. That sentence makes no sense at all; it reads like a random selection of words and the grammar is nonsensical. You’re a spam-spewing robot, aren’t you?
  16. Stop typing in capitals – it’s the blogging equivalent of yelling and it’s rude.
  17. Akismet/WordPress thinks you are spam. I agree with Akismet/WordPress but would use stronger language.
  18. You are the reason why this blog’s comments are moderated.
  19. Yes, I know some spam comments have occasionally broken through my concentration and made it onto the blog. I wasn’t always as wise as I am now.
  20. You’re putting THAT comment on THIS poem?
  21. Nobody reads the comments, you know.
  22. Good luck with that attempt at world domination.
  23. Feel free to type whatever you want. I will feel free to delete it in moderation.
  24. How does that relate to this poem? You didn’t read it, did you?
  25. Really? And I thought I didn’t get out enough.
  26. Who am I kidding? You won’t read this; nobody reads the extra pages.

Thank you for your interest in my site.

Yours faithfully,

Duck_-_Cartoon_07

Julie (aka FlusteredDuck)

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2 Comments to “Letter to Spammers”

  1. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time. From all of us who wish we had written it ourselves, bless you for these retorts!

  2. This morning I was spammed with a poem (of all things!) and found this blog in confirming the poem was real. I read and enjoyed this.

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